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Yes, it's hard to believe, but in 1999 Barbie will turn 40, just
in time to greet the new century. And they've been 40 full, rich
years. She began as a glamorous airline stewardess when she was
introduced at Toy Fair in 1959.She soared into space as an
astronaut in 1974, ran for president in 1992, and, in 1997, she
bore disability bravely, folding her first-ever bending legs into
a wheelchair to become a role model once again for a newly
identified market.
In every incarnation, nationality, and skin tone, she's perfectly
turned out, with accessories galore at her long slender fingertips.
She's Everywoman, she's the Cosmo Girl, she has it all. So, what will
Mattel think of next as the company meets the challenge of Barbie
turning 40?
Why fight age? Why not capitalize on it in every way possible?
Here are some ideas Mattel might consider for a past 40 Barbie:
Bifocals Barbie:
Comes with her own set of blended-lens fashion frames
in six wild colors (half-frames too!), neck chain and large-print
editions of Vogue and Martha Stewart Living.
Hot Flash Barbie:
Press Barbie's bellybutton and watch her face turn beet red while tiny
drops of perspiration appear on her forehead!
With hand-held fan and tiny tissues.
Facial Hair Barbie:
As Barbie's hormone levels shift, see her
whiskers grow! Available with teensy tweezers and
magnifying mirror.
Cook's Arms Barbie:
Hide Barbie's droopy triceps with these new, roomier-sleeved gowns.
Good news on the tummy front, too: muumuus are back! Cellulite
cream and loofah sponge optional.
Bunion Barbie:
Years of disco dancing in stiletto heels have definitely
taken their toll on Barbie's dainty arched feet. Soothe her sores
with this pumice stone and plasters, then slip on soft terry
mules. Colors: pink, rose, blush.
No More Wrinkles Barbie:
Erase those pesky crow's-feet and lip lines with a tube of Skin
Sparkle-Spackle, from Barbie's own line of exclusive age-blasting
cosmetics.
Soccer Mom Barbie:
All that experience as a cheerleader is really paying
off as Barbie dusts off her old high school megaphone to root for
Babs and Ken Jr. With minivan in robin's egg blue or white, and
cooler filled with doughnut holes and fruit punch.
Midlife Crisis Barbie:
It's time to ditch Ken. Barbie needs a change, and Bruce (her personal
trainer) is just what the doctor ordered, along with Prozac. They're
hopping in her new red Miata and heading for the Napa Valley to
open a B&B. Comes with real tape of "Breaking Up Is Hard to Do."
Single Mother Barbie:
There's not much time for primping anymore!
Ken's shacked up with the Swedish au pair in the Dream House and
Barbie's across town with Babs and Ken Jr. in a fourth-floor
walk-up. Barbie's selling off her old gowns and accessories to
raise rent money. Complete garage sale kit included.
Recovery Barbie:
Too many parties have finally caught up with
the ultimate party girl. Now she does 12 steps instead of dance
steps! Clean and sober, she's going to meetings religiously.
Comes with little copy of The Big Book and six-pack of Diet Coke.
Who knows when Barbie will have outlived her usefulness? From
Dream House to Nursing Home (both new and improved --
wheelchair-accessible and retrofitted to conform to ADA code
requirements), the possibilities (not to mention the accessories)
are endless.
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